Insert crushed heart emoji here.
Well, we tested at 11DPO and again this morning 13DPO, both stark white negatives. Sometimes I wish I would get a defective test just to see what it looks like when I get a second line. I know it wouldn’t actually be a useful second line and when I discovered that the test was a false positive I’d be sad. It’s a strange urge. TTC is strange, indeed.
I’m calling it for this cycle. No baby. Again.
I’m not that sad (ok fine, I’m a little sad!) I’m just mostly disappointed that we have to spend more money that we don’t have on this. And then of course I get upset that the only thing that I am constantly worrying about throughout this entire process is the money. How much it costs. How long we are going to be making payments on this.
But worrying about money apparently doesn’t stop us from deciding this morning upon receiving a negative pregnancy test that the next step is to pursue a loan for IVF. Have we gone completely insane? Possibly. 😀
I bring this month’s episode of “Fuck everything!” from the hotel I have been sharing with my mother in Washington state. Oh ya, that’s right I was temping and sneaking into the bathroom at the crack of dawn to take pregnancy tests so that I wouldn’t have to talk to my mom about the joyous topics of known donors and at-home insemination techniques. That was fun…Tests were negative and then I got a big temp drop. I was still hopeful thinking “maybe it was an implantation dip!” But then the next day my temp was also low and I knew that any second I would get my period.
As luck would have it, my mom and I were taking my nephew to a water park. We had a good time and it was a great distraction from the fact that I really wanted this cycle to work because now we really do have to make a decision about continuing to use our donor or going with a sperm bank. And whether we want to try more intervention such as IUI or IVF. This was my 3rd attempt, so in 3 more attempts without success I will get the lovely label of infertility. I’m feeling the pressure of time.
Anywho I’m sitting here sucking down the biggest cup of tea that Starbucks sells, contemplating a sushi lunch and trying not to rage quit TTC.
Well, despite my optimism and anxiety, this cycle was a bust. There is no baby in my dusty uterus. Confirmed by my period on DPO 12. I tested on both DPO 9 and DPO 11 and both were negative so not unexpected. I had been told that there was the possibility of false positive tests due to the Ovidrel trigger but that did not seem to be the case for me.
I was somewhat surprised that I started my period so soon. My lab work on DPO 5 showed that my progesterone was 41. It was high enough that the progesterone suppositories the RE thought I would need weren’t necessary after all. For reference, my previous progesterone labs that were drawn before starting Letrozole showed that my progesterone was 5.3– low. Given the huge spike in progesterone I somewhat expected a much longer luteal phase. I mean, 11 days is good I guess. It qualifies as over 10 days. But I just figured it would be slightly longer. The Letrozole and high progesterone levels basically made me feel exhausted for a couple of weeks. Having MS really doesn’t help at times like that.
Anywho, I’m bummed that I’m going to have to go through all of that again but probably not until July because our donor will be away on a trip for 10 days in June. Those 10 days will likely coincide with my ovulation. Sigh. I guess a month off will be good so that I can relearn my cycle somewhat now that I am past the procedures and have started the meds.
I work for one of the school districts so summer break is so close I can taste it. I have a trip planned with my SO so that will be nice. And since I’m not pregnant I am seriously tossing around the idea of doing a solo backpacking trip for about 2 weeks in July or August. I had wanted to do a month but if I go that long then I won’t have any opportunity for more inseminations before the school year starts.
SO and I talked a little about how long we would like to continue trying for a baby and we decided on a year. If it doesn’t happen by then we will throw in the towel on trying to get me pregnant. At that point we will either consider adoption or being child free. I’ll be 37-38 before our future baby is born. I don’t want to be too old to parent. And I have to think about how my health and mobility might decline as I get older with MS too. I don’t want the child to suffer because I have a chronic illness.
Well, that’s where we are at this point. I wish it would have happened this month but it did not. On to cycle #3.