I have been putting it off for a couple of weeks because of traveling and because I’m not emotionally ready to talk to my RE yet, but this week is my deadline for scheduling a WTF appt to discuss why I am not getting pregnant. I am going to request every possible test that might give us some answers. I would also like to get a second opinion– possibly a 3rd and a 4th– from some of the other clinics in our area. I want answers and for someone to acknowledge that something is wrong. Hopefully my RE is open to looking into testing and diagnostics to figure out where the problem is.
So far, I’m going to request ERA and biopsy for endo, genetic testing (karyotype), and a long discussion about the protocols we’ve tried to see if there are any clues as to what might be preventing pregnancy. If anyone out there has any ideas as to what else we should be requesting I would love it if you would leave a comment with some ideas.
My period started this morning so no blood test was needed.
I had taken pregnancy tests over the last few days to see if the trigger was still around. Saturday and Sunday the lines were nearly the same darkness so I had let myself get hopeful. Yesterday the line was very faint so I knew it was yet another failure. Yesterday was also the day I left K for Nevada. I’ve never been so sad sack in my life– not pregnant and leaving K for 2 weeks. K left to run an errand and I had a good ugly cry then took a long shower and cried some more. Then I had to put myself back together and run some errands of my own before heading to the airport. It was a quiet ride with K because I felt like at any second I would burst into tears.
The airport is a landmine of triggers for someone in my situation. In the security line– babies everywhere. Pregnant women working at Starbucks. Babies crying on the plane. I felt myself on the edge of bawling right there in the security line. I had to stare at the ground to avoid looking at the babies and their adoring happy parents every time the line moved. It was too much.
There was a little girl at the terminal who was sitting across from me. She came and sat in the empty seat between her dad and I. Within a few short minutes the girl was crying. She kept saying “I don’t know why I’m crying and I can’t stop.” Her dad comforted her and when that didn’t work he took her over to the window to watch the planes as a distraction. They came back and within a couple of minutes she was crying again. It was like this little girl was channeling my grief.
I started crying on the plane so I closed my eyes and pretended I was sleeping. Later I was staring at nothing in a grief induced haze so I opened my book and pretended to read it. Yesterday was pretty awful.
I started to dread the beta today more and more. I already knew I wasn’t pregnant and didn’t think I could go through this all over again in front of my family. I decided to get another pregnancy test and test this morning. If it was negative again then I would skip the blood test. Wouldn’t you know it, there was still a faint line from the trigger. I went back to bed and woke up later to the start of my period so I skipped the blood draw today. Thank you universe for doing me this one solid. Today I haven’t wanted to bawl my eyes out over every random thing so I guess that’s progress.
To sum up my experience TTC 1.5+ years in: I’m basically stuck in the fertility version of groundhog day– the outcome is always the same (not pregnant) no matter what I try.
So my RE wanted me to use the remainder of my Pregnyl trigger to supplement for progesterone to keep my levels up as opposed to using PIO or the suppositories. I truly hate the suppositories so I was pretty fine with that. PIO shots are uncomfortable and daily, while with the trigger I would just do 2 sub q shots a few days apart. It makes sense especially since the trigger is just wasted and there was plenty left over. It seemed like a fine plan. I figured the trigger would come out of my system quickly as it has in the past and it probably has this time too, but since my last dose was just 8 days ago there’s no way for me to know if a pregnancy test is reliable. Today is 12DPIUI and I am so over this TWW! This is the first one where I have legitimately had to wait the entire 2 weeks. My beta is on Tuesday so I will know for sure then.
Tomorrow I leave for a visit with my grampa which I am looking forward to, it’s just the timing kinda stinks– I will get beta results while away from K and surrounded by family who has no idea what we’ve been struggling through for the last nearly 2 years. It makes me uncomfortable to say the least. If I could trust the tests then at least I would have some idea what the beta might show but as it is, there’s nothing I can do but wait.
I will update after Tuesday.
K and I are attempting to make lemonade out of this lemon of a cycle. We have 3 mature follicles and my lining is over 10mm, a personal best. The RE gave us the multiples speech but also said triplets was “exceedingly unlikely.” Me getting pregnant at all feels exceedingly unlikely. But hey, thanks for letting me know doc! Tomorrow at 11am we do the IUI. So, fingers crossed or something.
4 follicles. That’s what I’ve got. The other 3 are shrinking instead of growing. WTF. RE gave us the options of canceling the cycle, doing IUI instead or moving forward with the retrieval. K and I have a super shitty decision to make now.
I’ve decided that I’m going to stop feeling bad about hanging my dark cloud here on this blog. I’m not a debbie downer in real life. I don’t think everything sucks. I don’t throw temper tantrums at the slightest disappointment. I’m funny and I’m fun to be around. I come here to let those things out. So I’m done trying to be less sad and negative and disappointed here. This is where I come to throw the chairs and pull everything off the table. This is where I get to let it all out. Anonymously. So that I can be a friendly happy person in my day to day life.
And let’s be honest: this sucks! My ovaries fucking suck. And for that matter, so does my stupid uterus that can’t hold onto an embryo. I hate all of this.
It’s been awhile since I posted. I left off right around the time that we discovered that reciprocal was not an option for us. Since then, we went on a 2 week trip to Taiwan and started a new round of IVF. This cycle we are doing a micro Lupron flare protocol. I primed with birth control and 21 days of testosterone prior to the start of our cycle, which officially began July 3rd.
Today was my first monitoring appointment. Y’all, I really don’t want to be the whiny type. I really want to tell you how wonderful things are going. The only problem is that things just aren’t going that well. I started off at baseline with an AFC of 10. It’s decent. I admit I was hopeful for more because the testosterone was supposed to boost things. Today I had 7 follicles that were growing. 3 of them were only 4mm in size. This has me so nervous. I know I’ve got a bit of time for things to turn around so I’m trying not to panic. But I admit it’s really hard. The RE anticipates that I will stim for longer than 10 days to hopefully let some of the smaller eggs mature. The problem with that is I will undoubtedly lose some of the ones that are larger now. The biggest was 9.5mm. So realistically, I’m probably looking at a retrieval of 5 eggs or less. I had such a huge lump in my throat on the way home from the clinic.
There is always heavy attrition in an IVF cycle and the attrition increases from days 3 to 5. If all of my eggs retrieved fertilize I still may end up with nothing on day 5. I cannot even put into words how terrifying this prospect is. It makes me feel so hopeless. I did not expect to struggle this much for no obvious reason. IVF for us should have been a sure bet, even more so because we have 2 sets of female reproductive parts. I feel like we’ve been shot down at every turn.
The hard part too is that on paper I look good. My AMH is good, my AFC is decent. I’ve gotten comments from other women undergoing IVF that they would “give their right arm” for my numbers. But the numbers are just part of the equation and so far in my case, have proven to be meaningless. It’s so hurtful to get dismissed because I have “good numbers.” It’s been a bizarre experience to feel like I am not infertile enough, but I’m also clearly not fertile. I just never imagined we would find ourselves so far down this rabbit hole. It’s hard to see others go through this process almost effortlessly while we have struggled at every single turn.
To end on a good note, our trip to Taiwan was amazing. I love to travel with K. If I could choose one thing in this world to do for the rest of my life it would be traveling with K. We always have a great time. We ate amazing food in Taipei, walked along gorgeous mist covered trails through picturesque tea farms in the high mountains of Alishan, rode scooters around the one road on Green Island, snorkeled, swam, and in general just enjoyed the shit out of each other’s company. Hands down my favorite thing with my favorite person. It was a much needed time away from things here. I loved being away but I was definitely happy to cuddle with our pups upon returning.
I go back for another monitoring appointment Thursday morning so I’ll update following that.