It doesn’t feel like it but it’s been over 3 months since we have done anything fertility-wise. I feel like I inch towards maybe making an appointment with my RE and making second (third, fourth) opinion appointments at other clinics but I just can’t do it. Then I go down a spiral where I beat myself up about being such a quitter… and that’s about as far as I get towards making another appointment.
I have at least chosen a couple of clinics I am interested in visiting and deciding on a few tests I would like to pursue. But no action on making it happen. Soon maybe.
I just can’t bring myself to do it. I keep thinking maybe we just need more time and more attempts before we have success. Maybe we should try home insems again. But doing those with our out of state donor was very difficult and we don’t know anyone local who is a) Asian; b) male; c) close enough to us personally that asking him for sperm would not be extremely weird.
We tried the KD sites and that’s where we found our original donor. I felt really safe and comfortable with him in the ways that count, though I did find interacting with him a bit of a chore. I can’t see going through that again to find a different donor and I don’t have any hope that we would ultimately be successful finding a donor that was closer. There just aren’t many Asians in our area and I don’t feel confident that it would work without assistance from a fertility center and medications anyways.
Having a partner with no sperm makes this whole situation so much more difficult– I really wish that us gays could have a free-sex baby too. Heteros really have no idea what a privilege this is. Even when it doesn’t go well at least there was nothing to lose by trying.
I also considered seeing about using a sperm bank and having the sperm delivered directly to us at home to do home insems with frozen sperm and maybe that’s the best of both worlds. It would still run us about $1000/mo to do this though and I think given that and my questionable fertility it makes sense to check in with the RE first on what our chances of success might be.
Which leads me back to talking with the doctor. I can’t quite pin down where my hesitance is coming from. I think part of it is that I feel really angry with her because I don’t think she has been all that realistic with us about our chances, nor open about discussing the possibility that there may be a problem with my fertility. I feel like because of that we have lost precious time and been put through more stress and heartache than necessary. I don’t have complete trust that she is hearing our concerns or providing us with the most appropriate treatment.
Because of that, I think we should at least check in with other fertility centers and see what their opinion of my chances of getting pregnant are and what if anything could potentially be holding us back. I will eventually but right now I just feel really tired I think. Maybe I need a break for awhile, I don’t know.
Something about this last attempt failing was extra difficult and I’m not over it yet. K keeps saying she really thought it would work and I did too. Hope is an awful, awful thing sometimes.
I have been putting it off for a couple of weeks because of traveling and because I’m not emotionally ready to talk to my RE yet, but this week is my deadline for scheduling a WTF appt to discuss why I am not getting pregnant. I am going to request every possible test that might give us some answers. I would also like to get a second opinion– possibly a 3rd and a 4th– from some of the other clinics in our area. I want answers and for someone to acknowledge that something is wrong. Hopefully my RE is open to looking into testing and diagnostics to figure out where the problem is.
So far, I’m going to request ERA and biopsy for endo, genetic testing (karyotype), and a long discussion about the protocols we’ve tried to see if there are any clues as to what might be preventing pregnancy. If anyone out there has any ideas as to what else we should be requesting I would love it if you would leave a comment with some ideas.
My period started this morning so no blood test was needed.
I had taken pregnancy tests over the last few days to see if the trigger was still around. Saturday and Sunday the lines were nearly the same darkness so I had let myself get hopeful. Yesterday the line was very faint so I knew it was yet another failure. Yesterday was also the day I left K for Nevada. I’ve never been so sad sack in my life– not pregnant and leaving K for 2 weeks. K left to run an errand and I had a good ugly cry then took a long shower and cried some more. Then I had to put myself back together and run some errands of my own before heading to the airport. It was a quiet ride with K because I felt like at any second I would burst into tears.
The airport is a landmine of triggers for someone in my situation. In the security line– babies everywhere. Pregnant women working at Starbucks. Babies crying on the plane. I felt myself on the edge of bawling right there in the security line. I had to stare at the ground to avoid looking at the babies and their adoring happy parents every time the line moved. It was too much.
There was a little girl at the terminal who was sitting across from me. She came and sat in the empty seat between her dad and I. Within a few short minutes the girl was crying. She kept saying “I don’t know why I’m crying and I can’t stop.” Her dad comforted her and when that didn’t work he took her over to the window to watch the planes as a distraction. They came back and within a couple of minutes she was crying again. It was like this little girl was channeling my grief.
I started crying on the plane so I closed my eyes and pretended I was sleeping. Later I was staring at nothing in a grief induced haze so I opened my book and pretended to read it. Yesterday was pretty awful.
I started to dread the beta today more and more. I already knew I wasn’t pregnant and didn’t think I could go through this all over again in front of my family. I decided to get another pregnancy test and test this morning. If it was negative again then I would skip the blood test. Wouldn’t you know it, there was still a faint line from the trigger. I went back to bed and woke up later to the start of my period so I skipped the blood draw today. Thank you universe for doing me this one solid. Today I haven’t wanted to bawl my eyes out over every random thing so I guess that’s progress.
To sum up my experience TTC 1.5+ years in: I’m basically stuck in the fertility version of groundhog day– the outcome is always the same (not pregnant) no matter what I try.
So my RE wanted me to use the remainder of my Pregnyl trigger to supplement for progesterone to keep my levels up as opposed to using PIO or the suppositories. I truly hate the suppositories so I was pretty fine with that. PIO shots are uncomfortable and daily, while with the trigger I would just do 2 sub q shots a few days apart. It makes sense especially since the trigger is just wasted and there was plenty left over. It seemed like a fine plan. I figured the trigger would come out of my system quickly as it has in the past and it probably has this time too, but since my last dose was just 8 days ago there’s no way for me to know if a pregnancy test is reliable. Today is 12DPIUI and I am so over this TWW! This is the first one where I have legitimately had to wait the entire 2 weeks. My beta is on Tuesday so I will know for sure then.
Tomorrow I leave for a visit with my grampa which I am looking forward to, it’s just the timing kinda stinks– I will get beta results while away from K and surrounded by family who has no idea what we’ve been struggling through for the last nearly 2 years. It makes me uncomfortable to say the least. If I could trust the tests then at least I would have some idea what the beta might show but as it is, there’s nothing I can do but wait.
I will update after Tuesday.
K and I are attempting to make lemonade out of this lemon of a cycle. We have 3 mature follicles and my lining is over 10mm, a personal best. The RE gave us the multiples speech but also said triplets was “exceedingly unlikely.” Me getting pregnant at all feels exceedingly unlikely. But hey, thanks for letting me know doc! Tomorrow at 11am we do the IUI. So, fingers crossed or something.
4 follicles. That’s what I’ve got. The other 3 are shrinking instead of growing. WTF. RE gave us the options of canceling the cycle, doing IUI instead or moving forward with the retrieval. K and I have a super shitty decision to make now.
I’ve decided that I’m going to stop feeling bad about hanging my dark cloud here on this blog. I’m not a debbie downer in real life. I don’t think everything sucks. I don’t throw temper tantrums at the slightest disappointment. I’m funny and I’m fun to be around. I come here to let those things out. So I’m done trying to be less sad and negative and disappointed here. This is where I come to throw the chairs and pull everything off the table. This is where I get to let it all out. Anonymously. So that I can be a friendly happy person in my day to day life.
And let’s be honest: this sucks! My ovaries fucking suck. And for that matter, so does my stupid uterus that can’t hold onto an embryo. I hate all of this.